Families and Patterns
Families and Patterns
As a result of my childhood curiosity about the connectedness about the world, as well as my background studies in social work, I tend towards seeing things in terms of systems. That is, a series of interconnected parts that work together in some order, that usually tend towards some form of balance or equilibrium, and that plays out particular patterns over time. Families are no exception to this, and in fact are a great example of systems and patterns. Family members, as connected parts of the system, influence each other in different ways; families usually involve some balance of structure and flexibility; and families involve patterns that tend to occur over time unless interrupted.
I talk a lot about patterns in families when looking at parenting in particular. Many clients come to counselling to explore parenting concerns as a result of patterns that have emerged over time. Some families or parents can identify unhelpful patterns that have emerged over time, and others may not yet be aware as they feel caught up with the ‘in-the-moment’ behaviours. Patterns may be minor – such as children nagging for something they want and parents feeling it is easier to give in – or on a larger scale, such as adolescents demonstrating verbally abusive and stand-over behaviours until they get their way.
Regardless of the scale or the time period involved, what is key here is that parents are the ones who will need to make a change in order to shift the pattern. A six year old is not likely to turn to Mum and say “Mother, I have become aware that my behaviour is unbecoming, and I shall endeavour to change my attitude and behaviours immediately!” – as nice as this would be! Instead, parents, having the fully developed psychological brain, are responsible for changing behaviours and strategies in order to change the pattern. This also means having strategies to ‘keep a lid’ on their own emotional reactions, as well as having the patience to allow time for the pattern to change, including holding firm through resistance.
Over the next few blogs, I will explore some ideas and strategies along these lines, including how to identify the behaviours requiring intervention and those that don’t, and some approaches to working with adolescents in particular.
More next time!