Relationship Basics – Turning Towards
Relationship Basics – Turning Towards
John and Julie Gottman have spent decades studying couples and relationships from a scientific angle. They have identified several key factors in relationships that make huge differences in how couples work (or don’t work) together. One of these important factors is actually quite simple to implement, and results in big changes.
Often in relationships we think about the big gestures to increase closeness and intimacy – the holidays away, the expensive date nights, the significant gifts on anniversaries. While these are well and good, we often rely too heavily on these intermittent gestures and neglect the little things that make even more of a difference in our relationships – the regular small acts of ‘turning towards’ our partner. This can include things like holding hands, saying ‘I love you’ regularly, the brief text message through the day to say I’m thinking of you, hugs and kisses.
Think of it as regular small deposits into the relationship bank account, which over time build up into some significant credit. This way when challenging times occur, we have more to draw on in order to repair any ruptures or to heal any wounds. It can also be helpful to reflect on what our personal ‘love language’ may be, as well as that of our partner, in order to recognise the small acts of affection we and they may already be communicating to each other (more on this in a later blog!).
One of the couples I worked with used this with great success. They realised that most of their time was taken up either ‘getting on with life’, dealing with other matters such as parenting or extended family concerns, or trying to make up for the difficulty of spending time together by doing grand gestures infrequently. By focusing more of their time and attention on these little affectionate behaviours, they found that they both felt more closeness, more regularly, and needed the bigger gestures much less frequently. Through discussing how each of them made sense of affectionate statements and gestures, they increased their ways of adding credit to their relationship ‘account’, and found it much easier to work through difficult times as a result.
More next time!